Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Thank heavens for community notes

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It