Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
You Might Also Like
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”