Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
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Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?