Mmmm. Shoeshi
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My boss called in sick of me
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
No one can handle that
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.