Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.