Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?