Mmmmm white people
– sharks
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?