Mmmmm white people
– sharks
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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
☠️ ☠️
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
based
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
United Steaks of America
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
😜
