Mmmmm white people
– sharks
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Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.