MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
