m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
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I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.