m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
saving face 👀
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Every work meeting this week
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
The opposite of goth is stopth.