Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

I can’t stop watching this.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?