Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”