Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

step 6: release the wall snake

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?