Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
The first one, obviously
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why