Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
remember
only for emergencies
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
This story is comedy gold 😂
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.