spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
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My kitchen overserved me.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”