Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
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The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.