Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
No regrets in 2018
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Good dog. ❤️
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
me when somebody idk start touching me
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined