Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!