Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.