Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning