Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
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[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
bias laundering edition
