Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire