Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Owl Sanctuary
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer