Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
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Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
What a chick magnet..
I think about this a lot
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Noah
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Can confirm.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Look Ma, no handle on things
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”