@jctwritesstuff

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

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@ArfMeasures

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
?????

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

@jakob_huber

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

@ChillGates69

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

@tastefactory

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

@3nymph

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

@EmoPhilips

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

@karanbirtinna

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

@Bacon_Ball

You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she’s probably not into you.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

@ihateitmunky

Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit