Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*