Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Pot warmers of the day.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur