Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.