Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.