[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
This made me chuckle cuz mood
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.