Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

The day after Christmas is wild.

I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Sending in my taxes

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”