Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap