Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

When you’re Kinky but poor

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

🤣😂

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.