Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
oh you wanna fight?!
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I beg you to euthanise me
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Dyslexics are teople poo!
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.