Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me sliding into hell like
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”