Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

…

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

#damn

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.