Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
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Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Mornin. * use accordingly
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.