Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

what are they serving at kfc then???

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Fries, not lies.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

IT’S-A ME,

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.