Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self: always read the final line

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.