Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

[loses house key, starts a new life]

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)