MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
sometimes i miss this memes
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I’m already scared
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.