Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

car not found

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Who called it baking and not making love

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.