MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured