Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

oh my gosh!!

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing