MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?