MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more