Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

Hoping to spice up my evening

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.