Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils