Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

Me in tagged photos

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Checkmate, Flat Earthers