Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.