mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Best spot.. 😅
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked