Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!