Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
