Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
