Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
(by @ZachWeiner )
the three branches of government
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
