Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
🙋♀️
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
meow
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
