Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Snack for election night!

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband