*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
spicy snake
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.