Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

Mountain Goat : )

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.