Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

how was your vacation

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking