Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!