mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
pep talk
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.