mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think