mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
6. me as a lawyer
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”