Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ