Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

very niche meme I made

WHY?!

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!