MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
You Might Also Like
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
the zen of frog
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
work smarter, not harder
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.