MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
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Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!